Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
