All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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