Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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