I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
