I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
try to milk me bitch
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