yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
