oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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