I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
