i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Randomize
