I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
