i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I need a beard to bite.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
