I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
