I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
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