So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
