i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
