when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My vagina is officially offended.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
