its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
