There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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