I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
