I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
