are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
