Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
