Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
