her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
