I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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