The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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