"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
