1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My first STD was from a foam party
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Randomize
