I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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