I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
