my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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