wakey wakey hands off snakey
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
