Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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