New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
