Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
