just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
