Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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