Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
