Swine flu. Run for my life!
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
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