i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
