When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
