I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
