We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
