Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
and she was petting her beer can
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's rum buckets o'clock
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
