My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
