'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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