I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
