just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize