Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The air was thick with penises
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
