I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
