hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
