brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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