he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
