Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Randomize
