Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize