and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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