someone threw a dead crab at me
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
