Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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