I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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