Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
