the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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