even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
