doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
