dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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