i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
