Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
