She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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