i just wanna soil my oats bro
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
